Postpartum

I feel like I am in a fatigued state of limbo.  I don't want to go to work.  I don't want to stay home.  I don't want to do nothing.  I am too tired to do anything.  I love my son.  It is a very strange place for me.  I am 4.5 months postpartum.

One thing that has been very difficult for me is knowing what the baseline is for now.  Most moms have a normal pregnancy.  They take the 12 weeks off with the baby before returning to work.  They weren't on bed rest for 14 weeks prior to the arrival of their baby.  So, when I wonder if limbo-land is normal for 4.5 months, there's no answer.  It just is.

I need to make peace with everything that has happened but I just can't at this moment.  I would love to say that I don't know why, but I do and it has to do with hurt, anger, and disappointment.  I haven't moved onto acceptance; a place of love and forgiveness of others and oneself.  I don't know what it will take to get there but I am praying that therapy will help.

Therapy involves crying.  I don't realize how important something is to me until I verbalize it.  It's easy to keep thoughts in your head.  There's no commitment to action.  No physical tie.  But once the emotion and action are tied together it can be like an epiphany if you're lucky, or just...really hurtful.

My third session is tomorrow.  I'm curious what this week's homework will be.  Before, it was making an effort to get more sleep, then doing something for just ME once a week.  The good news is that these things do help make things better, but they aren't a fix.