Postpartum Depression

I think postpartum depression is real,  at least for me.  I've been struggling now for a long time and while I love my son to the moon and back and care for his every physical and emotional need, I have been unable to tend to my own.  I don't know how to describe it.  It's like, I'm a mom and nothing else. Sometimes I don't even feel like a person.

I'm not sure if you would notice anything looking in.  I still *do* things; it's not like I can't get out of bed. I do.  Every day.  Multiple times a day.  I'll converse, laugh, smile, go to work, do chores, even write blog posts, but on the inside, it's something a little less than complacent.  I'm functioning like I'm supposed to (mostly?), but on the inside, I feel completely disconnected.  I don't even know what defines *me* anymore.

There are some things that have been in the back of my mind, so I finally scheduled an appointment to meet with a postpartum therapist.  First, something I read a while back along the lines of, "If you think you have postpartum depression, you probably do.  Seek help."  Second, reflecting on a questionnaire I took at the pediatrician's office.  There was a question about whether you enjoy activities less than, the same, more than you used to.  I had a hard time answering the question because I couldn't even THINK of activities.  I didn't know what I liked anymore.  I realized it was worse not to be able to answer the question.  Finally, seeing pictures of other women and their babies within that first six weeks.  They are dressed.  Their hair is combed.  They have pictures with their baby.  The moms look happy and clean and they are even OUT and about.

Why wasn't it like that for me?

The haze in my brain is so thick when I try to access memories from that postpartum period.  I can't tell if it is mommy brain, or a protective mechanism to cordon the hurt and hopelessness I felt due to circumstances at the time.

But, I loved my baby from the start.  I never thought of harming myself or my baby.  I was able to take care of my baby.  So, with that, I was OK, right?  Besides, if you look up symptoms of PPD, it's pretty much well, everything having to do with life in general.  Sooo not helpful.

It is so hard to know what is normal after giving birth.  My body hadn't been mine for a long time.  My time is no longer my own.  My brain, addled with hormones and lack of sleep.  How can anyone make any judgement call during this time?  How is a new mom supposed to take care of herself?

I'm going to dig into this a bit more.  I'm functioning at some capacity to get things done, but it's killing me.